I like many would not confront all my feelings brought on by life itself. I, as I think back on my life was raised in what could be called an “eclectic” household. Staunchly Catholic yet beyond dysfunctional and so many mixed messages it was hard to keep them straight as a child, teen, young adult.
Through the years I would learn that those unresolved emotions would be the contributing factor in the choices I would make. As a side note some of these choice I would make again, simply for the beautiful daughter I have been honored to raise and for my son, who was a challenge to raise however, I miss so much.
I was blessed with an Aunt and Uncle who gave me a different perspective on life, a spiritual esoteric way besides the religious Catholic version. Spiritually, just made sense to me, it spoke to me in so many ways and it always held God in the highest esteem. It would confirm everything my Aunt and Uncle would gladly teach and those principles would form the building blocks that have brought me to the life I hold dearly now.
I would search for answers through my youth wherever I was led, the Protestant, Methodist, Lutheran Churches and finally for many many years settling on Unity, which even today brings a warmth to my heart.
I was raised in anger, rage, resentment, no emotional support as many unfortunately can relate. No one dealt with feelings in my family, we raged and then we drank. Yes, I learned to drink those feelings down so deep that I was able not think about them through most of my early life, until I was blessed with my daughter, Jenny.
Being told I was pregnant spun my world right out of control. I was already aware of “no drinking” while being pregnant however that was the only way I was ever taught to handle any kind of “Out Of Control” feeling. Panic set in and I had no one to go to who, I thought could understand my panic. I realized then and there that feelings “sucked”, they hurt, they made me sad and scared I made decisions in my life that I could control what feelings would come in by actually being a “force to be reckoned with” an intimidating 5’1 1/2″ dynamo that kept everyone at arm’s length, then I didn’t have to really deal with anything…..until this wonderful being growing inside of me made me stop one day and not be able to move. I wasn’t in pain I was in “awe”. It felt like a mass of butterflies deep inside and I started to cry and I fell in love, deeply in love and at that moment I knew I was not a screw up, I was not a mean ugly person, I wasn’t scared, sad, lonely ….. I was going to be a mother. I was determined I was going to be the mother that I had always longed for, one that I prayed each day just to like me……
I went to the library and got every book available on how to be a mother, I didn’t really have a good example so I needed to find one even if it came from a book. I read on how to talk to your child so your child would talk to you, how to answer their cries the list was endless….
Then I held this precious being, finally in my arms and couldn’t believe she wanted me to be her mother. I was happy and that happiness covered up all those ugly “feelings” buried alive, however, they weren’t dead.
Fast forward to repeat the same wonderful glorious reawakening with my son, Jayson which brought another temporary happiness.
Through these years I basically pulled in circumstances that coincided with this angry energy I was carrying around like a pot of stew left on the back burner on a low flame…..it was just cooking and cooking all the time until one day the pot boiled over.
In the article on the front page of this newsletter I wrote when you ignore the symptoms the body will give you a health challenge that can’t be ignored.
I had to have through another story yet to be told, a tubal ligation and through this so called simple operation I was infected with a dirty needle and the infection spread through my body like a forest fire. It would take me years to recover and I would still face consequences later in life. I now can look back on all of that as a hand up from God. I was physically put down so hard I had to resort to looking at different ways not only to heal myself also at “this energy” that just had to go. By now I was beginning to realize the medical profession was not giving any options that felt like they would ever help me. After finding many alternative articles on healing, I stepped outside of the box and found a colon therapist, an herbalist and a rage therapy counselor who are totally responsible for me becoming the person I am today. A loving, caring colon therapist and all round nice lady, a master herbalist, an iridologist and through many of my life challenges I have been able to help those who have sought my services not only physically also mentally. God had a plan for me and his plan was for me to finally face that which was actually killing me slowly, my unresolved feelings, and he knew the corporate world was not to be my world any longer. He was so right.
A few years later I saw the book….”Feelings Buried Alive Never Die”, and of course it rang every bell in me and I just had to sit down and open the book. I found myself with my family at Barnes and Noble with a cup of tea seated in one of their big chairs devouring this book, I had finally found answers to all my questions. This book became my bible and it still is today. I am honored and humbled as I am asked to share even retired, answers to their everyday challenges. When something shows up within my life I resort to the book and under the headings of what I am facing I find the emotions, those sucky feelings, and I confront them head on now instead of a crown royal on the rocks.
I am so blessed and grateful that as I continue healing journey, I pull in angels by the truckload, some answer questions, some hold my hand as I cry through the “what if’s” and some will be brutally honest with me if I am straying from my chosen path or fall down into the “why me?” by learning to release the Victim/Martyr energy however I am still working on becoming a whole person.
I began to realize everyone needs to have what I call my “ditty bag”. It’s an invisible bag containing all my learned life lessons that turned my weaknesses into strengths. It is deeply tucked away however present if the expertise of past learned are needed. The problem we see today is everyone has their “ditty bag” fully open ready to engage at a moments notice, sad….very sad. When I realize, “I have another lesson coming my way…a really big one” that is when I start to realign everything in my thinking and finally realizing there is no other way out, I reach deep down and most reluctantly pull out my “badass bitch”, who has been tucked away and you will experience now everything I have acquired in my “Ditty Bag.”
When it is over I remind myself once again “Who I Am” and I straighten my crown and move on ever thankful for all my gifts and talents safely secured back in my “ditty bag”.
And so, this is how I found my light at the end of the tunnel and realized it was not another oncoming train, it was my Heavenly Ordained God inspired help that would be yes….a God Sent present.