Interestingly, I have had 4 clients and a friend ask me how to walk past the grief of losing someone. I don’t claim to have all the answers and I struggle with things every day. I seek out the answers in many different ways as long as they make sense to me and most importantly, they speak of my God and his holiest and highest angels.
When I lost my son, my heart was shattered, and I had no idea how to even begin to put it back together. The first month I was in shock, and I truly don’t remember even getting up and going to the office. Clients and friends were very loving, however their kindness and words never penetrated through the pain I was in.
His last words to me were screams on the phone pleading for help as he could not breathe, for weeks I could barely close my eyes without hearing those screams.
One day a woman who I have known for years and have counseled with her many times sat me down and quietly as she held my hands asked me to write a “gratitude list” on the death of my son. I stared at her for what seemed like hours and could not understand what she was asking of me.
A gratitude list, what did I have to be grateful for, how could I be grateful for losing my child, my son. She asked me to sit with it for a few days and she would get back with me….she promised it would make sense and she reminded me that our words mean everything, and that God loves a grateful heart.
Well, I will be brutally honest, at that moment God and I were in a love/hate relationship, however as I am writing this, I can assure you that feeling did not last long.
I sat on my couch with my Afghan, my cup of tea, starring out of the window just watching cars and people walking by for two days. As promised, she showed up 2 days later, knocked on the door and welcomed herself in. Made herself a cup of tea and sat down on the chair across from me.
“So, how is that list going?” it’s not I replied. I think you are the one that needs counseling, I think you are crazy and even more crazy for asking not only me, but anyone also to do this insane list.
She smiled, and moved over to the couch where I was sitting, here let me help you get started.
She knew everything about Jay as did some of my clients and a few friends. He had his issues and those issues usually got him into trouble, trouble that he paid the consequences for by going to prison. His entire life was an up and down procession of do’s and don’ts.
No one suspected that this last time of being released would be a journey of amends and forgiveness ending his journey on July 19th, 2022 at 10:10 AM. I know in my heart of hearts, that God swooped down that morning and said, My sweet child, you have had enough, it’s time to come home….and took him home.
She handed me a pad of paper and a pen and said let’s begin, I will start, and I know you can finish.
I am grateful for the most fantastic 4 ½ months that I ever had with Jay.
I am grateful that he had a beautiful home to die in and not a cold dark street.
I am grateful that he had lots of food and wasn’t begging on the street.
I am grateful that he had a wonderful job that he loved.
Hours later I had filled so many pages and the weight on my chest was gone. The tears stopped running down my cheeks. I could take a full breath and I had a completely different perspective of losing my son. The pain that was constantly ripping through my heart had subsided and as promised God gave me more things to be grateful for.
These 4 clients and friend I can only imagine acted in much the same way as I did when it was suggested to do the “gratitude list.”
Every day I am blessed with so much to be grateful for and on occasion Jay manages to drop a “hi” as he lets’ me know he is fine and having a great time and as a Mom that is all we ever want for our children; it is to know they are safe and happy.
Try the list, take your what if’s and turn them into gratitude and see if it doesn’t help you ease the pain. We aren’t meant to carry this pain. I know our kids are supposed to leave before us and sometimes that is just not the plan.
Days after I finished my list, and it was sitting at my dresser I woke up to the realization … No matter how hard I could cry, no matter how much I screamed, no matter how hard I beat the pillows, nothing was ever going to bring him back to me, that is when I grabbed the list and knew that I would walk past this with all the gratitude that I could put together and thank the Good Lord that the alternatives that could have surrounded my Jay didn’t happen. I will always be grateful to those that allowed him to make amends make them, for those that opened their hearts it changed our life’s in a way that I have not been able to really find the words to totally describe it.
Do I miss him…..Like a fat kid loves chocolate cake….